Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Album Reviews

As well as rapping I also sell vacuum cleaners and encyclopedias door to door and write reviews for real groove magazine. I thought I'd post a few old reviews that got left out the mag. I'll put some stuff from this decade up soon.

Various Artists - Black Rock ***

Eight minutes into this album I was interrupted by the old lady across the road. She wanted me to turn the 'horrible excuse for the blues' off. Slightly offended, I asked if she knew The Black Keys. She asked if I knew Bo Diddley. 'Touche' I replied. She then began her rant. 'Although sonically the sound of the CD is superb' she said (she had eight teeth in total. I wiped my face with my collar) lyrically, it's rubbish'. 'The RZA's rhymes are weaker than the RSA's tea and Jim Jones is about as talented as Tom Jones', she added. She was right. I rebutted with words like 'Mos Def' 'Raekwon' and Pharoahe Monch. She nodded her little fragile head in agreement. She then rolled her cardigan up, stretched her flabby old arm skin to the side and a picture of Howlin Wolf revealed itself like a picture from a magic eye book. I felt humiliated. I bid her farewell and went back to my room. I played the rest of the CD and then I called sound control on myself.

Doom - Unexpected Guests ****

If you don't like this album, lyricism is probably two syllables too long a word for you. You're probably still reading at primary school level. Maybe you should try and find yourself a 23rd chromosome before you try to decipher the messages in this music, because Doom isn't going to read slower just because your mummy was drunk while you were in the womb. I'm sorry. I guess word play just isn't for you. Here, go and play with this rubber bone instead. Your not missing anything special anyway. It's just a compilation of 14 hard to find songs from one of the greatest writers of our generation. That's nothing. You can paint a mountain with your foot!. So what if you can't appreciate people like Dilla, GZA and Count Bass D? At least you get good parking. What's that? You don't know what Doom was talking about on 'MY Favourite Ladies?' Awww, that's cute. You're special. Now can u please stop biting the table and go and press the big triangle button on my music machine? Thanks. No, wait, that's the microwave.

Murs And Slug - Felt 3 **

I don't know how Rosie Perez would feel about this album. I really can't see her doing the running man to it on Soul Train and it definitely wouldn't make a good sound track for White Men Can't Jump. It's too dark to ever be a good tape for your boom box. Aesop Rock's production could never look as good in spandex as Rosie does. There would be way too much pale white tan line showing. On the other hand though, Murs and Slug's lyrics are dope. And there are a few choruses that are fire enough to make you want to pop a fire hydrant. I still don't think Rosie would be having it though. Even if lyrically it's 'aiiie poppee', musically it's 'uh uh no you di'in'. The only time I can see Rosie snapping her fingers to this album, her index finger would be moving side to side in unison with her neck snapping.

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